My sweet pastor told me many times that I’m a pioneer, “I blaze trails!” I never thought I would blaze a trail right out of the corporate church!
My exodus started February 2019 as my church was preparing for what we called “Seek Week!” It’s a high energy or as we liked to call it a “spirit filled” week of worship, guest speakers and miracles. Meaning many people often experienced healing and received life changing revelations.
Being the leader of the Prayer Team, I was known for being up front healing, worshipping, ministering etc. my husband would say “I was in my element!” This particular Seek Week however would be very different for me. God put it on my heart to hide among the crowd. Minister to those around me! So I did, thinking it would be no big deal!
Each night I would try to slip in un-noticed and just love on those around me, but to my surprise I felt absolutely miserable, like my heart was literally under deconstruction! The desire to be up front was tormenting. I would love to say it was because I wanted to serve, but the truth is, I saw for the first time I wanted to be seen. Each night was an internal battle of wanting to be seen and sickened by it!
When Seek Week ended, I felt like my heart was taken out of my body and set before me so I could see the ego that encased it. I cried buckets of tears, in shock at just how deceived I could be!
I was now in a place that I had lost all desire to be leading or even to be apart of ministries! I got busy passing off my ministries to others and longing to just retreat for awhile. During my retreat with Papa God, He showed me our idol of “specialness!” We either believe and continually meditate, on having been victimized by people or feeling like we are better than others! He showed me how I had used religion to separate myself from humanity, look down on them, pity them and deeply hurt them.
I began to see each church I was a part of, as a source to feed and fuel my ego! As the religious scales fell from my heart and mind. I saw myself as no better than anyone. The “sinners” I thought were my students, became my teachers of love, inclusion, acceptance, grace, mercy and forgiveness. I realized I had been in a “religious bubble” and had shut the world out in fear!
This journey has taught me, I am the “church!” It was so easy to check into my ministries and believe I was making a big difference in peoples lives and there’s no doubt I did at times. But nothing transforms humanity more than giving of your life, resources, gifts, time, energy, talents and money to those in need, outside of the four walls of a church building.
I know I have a long way to go and a lot to learn. But I can truly say for the first time in my life I feel at peace just being me. Nothing to prove, no one to impress, no new ministry to start, no need to be seen or known, and no more waiting for someone to promote me to feel good about myself. Just giving of myself to those in need, seeing myself as one with God and people, no better, no worse, just one; Teacher and Student, Pioneer and Follower!
Rhonda Ferguson
Identity Theft Restorer! Teaching people who they really are and their purpose in this life, in order to free and empower them!