The word I’ve chosen for this year is “Badassery!” Being “Badassery” means being open, honest, vulnerable and transparent. To be honest, I’ve kinda agonized over posting this blog, because I don’t want to offend my Christian friends and family. My hope is that; this post will resonate with others who have struggled in their marriage while attending church, and guide them to discover how to heal their marriage.
Back Story
My husband was raised in a Southern Baptist Church. So naturally he would bring me to church when we started dating in high school. I was incredibly excited about Christianity, church, serving etc. It was a whole new world for me, as I wasn’t raised in a religious home. Needless to say, my zeal for religion, drew several of my family members into Christianity.
Baptist Tribe
Bill and I went on to attend Baptist churches for 32 years! As we look back on our church journey we clearly see that the Baptist church was where the gap in our marriage was created. In the Baptist Church we were taught to believe in the hierarchy: God-Pastor-Husband-Wife-Children. Women were to submit to their husband as the head of the home, because he was also supposedly the spiritual leader. This teaching caused my ego to judge, compare, condemn, be bitter and frustrated with my husband, because in my egotistical mind, he wasn’t measuring up to what was being taught at church. In a nut shell, I didn’t respect him. Which created a wedge between us. My husband would constantly say; “I’m never enough for you!”
Calvinist Tribe
From there we started attending a Calvinist Church. This church had some of the nicest people, that taught us how to have a strong community. What was different about this church, was that it was ran by an eldership. in a sense, having an eldership was refreshing, because the elders were a group of humble men, so there wasn’t a single pastor to worship. However, the hierarchy was still in place here and it was a constant reminder that women are second class or less than the men!
What was worshipped in this church was “The Word of God” or what they interpreted the Bible to say. Being a student of the Bible, I fit in well at this church. However as the Bible says; “Knowledge puffs up” and that’s exactly what happened to my ego. Once again this caused a gap, or contributed to the gap in my marriage, already created in the Baptist church. For my husband; believing that he is the head of the house, he would often tell me, that when there is a big decision to be made, he’d take my opinion into consideration, but he had the final say. This mindset perpetuated the idea that we were separate from one another and not one in spirit, which only grew my disdain for him as I felt helpless and lacked value in the marriage.
Free Methodist Tribe
After attending the Calvinist Church for 5 years, my son and I left to attend a Free Methodist Church. My husband continued to attend the Calvinist Church for a year by himself, because he had developed such great friendships with many of the other men. Talk about having a division in our marriage, attending separate churches would prove that our home was not unified, but we ignored the obvious and went where we each felt loved-wanted-needed!
The Free Methodist Church was were I would spend the next 9 years of my life. They believe in the supernatural gifts of the Spirit. Being able to speak in tongues, give words of knowledge, heal and prophesy, caused my ego to feel special. This specialness created an addiction for more of it, to the point that my ego caused me to want to be at church all the time “serving!” My marriage took 3rd place in my life; #1 Serving (Specialness,) #2 Kids, then #3 Husband. This caused my husband to feel very alone and extremely distant from me. I on the other hand I was oblivious to his feelings, because I was getting my love tank filled by this church.
Waking Up To The Ego
After spending a couple years studying A Course In Miracles and having long conversations with The Divine at 2:22 in the morning, I came to see how my ego was using churches to feel special and veiling what I truly am as a spiritual being of love/light! Following The Divine’s Guidance, we ended up leaving the church 4 1/2 years ago, which we now recognize was about the time that we started experiencing healing in our marriage.
Instead of going to church, we now go to coffee shops on Sunday mornings and have 2-3 hour coffee dates, where we humble ourselves, surrender our ego, get honest, transparent, and vulnerable in deep conversations, that ultimately bring down the walls that block our oneness.
*On that note; I want to say, I’m not encouraging people to leave their churches. This is just what we were guided to do! What I am saying; is that every couple should be setting time aside each week to have a transparent coffee date and remove the egotistical blockages to oneness.
Team Work Makes The Dream Work
Having spent several years healing our dualistic mindsets (separateness), we now see ourselves as one. I’ve come to realize that life is all about removing the blockages or mindsets that cause us to believe we are separate from God and each other. After all the acronym E.G.O. stands for; Edging God Out! We are all one with God and therefore one with each other. This is Christ’s message!
My husband’s motto is; “Teamwork makes the dream work!” We now are able to successfully work together on our plumbing business, take care of the grand kids, travel, date and fully enjoy life as we are finally experiencing our oneness.
Gypsy Spirit
Guiding people out of the darkness of their egotistical mind and into the light of what they Truly are as light/love and one with God and everyone!
