We’ve all heard about the “honey moon phase!” That time in our marriage when we feel on cloud 9, so excited to live the rest of our lives in holy matrimony with our beloved husband, who in our eyes is just about perfect. I mean of course they seems perfect, we are the center of their universe, we are living to make each other happy. Then life happens; mortgages, bills, debt, jobs, kids and a very busy life, bursts our illusionary bubble. Our husband now becomes a sources of frustration and irritation.
What most people don’t realize is that we’ve now entered the first phase of our marriage transformation that will progress from self centeredness, to creating a safe place and finally resting in oneness.
Phase 1 – Self Centered: Phase 1 is the self centered phase where begin to focus on all the things our husband should or shouldn’t be doing to make us happy. Our encouragement has now transitioned into nagging. We spend our free time complaining to God and/or girl friends about all of our husband’s short comings and how miserable we are. During this phase a sort of awakening happens, when we realize that he is not fully to blame and we begin to turn our attention unto ourselves. When we are thrown out of peace by something he did or said, we start pausing, breathing and asking ourselves why we are so upset and what the truth is about the situation. We find that it’s that truth that sets us free and we forgive. As a result, we begin to stop nagging, and instead unconditionally love and encourage our husband, he then starts noticing the shift in our love and affection and we have now entered phase 2!
Phase 2 – Safe Place: As our heart is transformed, humbled and softens, our husband will begin to open up to us, testing the waters to see how we will respond. If we respond with compassion, empathy, understanding and encouragement, he’ll feel safe to open up, more often. This is our sign, that we can begin to open up and share the work we have been doing on ourselves. Weekly coffee dates and fun date nights, are very helpful during this phase to bring about so much healing, bonding and love.
Phase 3 – Oneness: Living in awareness is the core of this phase; paying close attention to what we are thinking and feeling. Then when we are thrown out of peace, we pause breathe and share our feelings with our husband. This is crucial for understanding and clearing up any misconceptions. During this phase we begin to no longer see us as two separate individuals but as one; mind-body-spirit. It’s no longer, “You do you, I’ll do me!” and “I have my life, you have yours!” Now his thoughts, feelings and well being, are being taken into consideration. He is apart of every equation.
Bill and Rhonda Ferguson, married for 31 years, high school sweet hearts, now have 2 grown children and 2 grandsons! Enjoying their oneness in this life!
For more encouragement for your marriage, Rhonda has a “Teaching Wives To Love Their Husbands” group on Facebook and counsels individuals and couples in and from her Wildomar, CA home!